ImmortalSairah

http://jewelsamples.blogspot.com/2008/10/light-candle-on-pregnancy-and-infant.html.
Somewhat fitting I suppose that I actually posted a real update.
It's been four months since Lewis died. I've received the postmortem results, but they still havent sent them in paper format yet, so a lot of this is from memory - I might post more when I know it.

It turns out that he suffered the same as I did. It wasn't the Pemphigoid Gestationis (PG) (http://www.bad.org.uk/public/leaflets/pemp_gest.asp) itself that caused his death, but rather the immune system failure that caused them both... if that makes sense.
Basically, something (possibly new medication, or a skin trauma - which I'm placing on the burn I got at Slindon when I was cooking) triggered the autoantibodies in my rhesus negative blood, and that attacked the lower membranes in my skin - causing a rash, and small blisters.
It started at week 20, and by week 25 I was hospitalised. I was first diagnosed with insect bites, and then chicken pox - both of which were ruled out when the doctors referred me to a dermatologist because of the psoriasis gene that's in my family.
I had one biopsy, and the hospital said that I had polymorphic eruption of pregancy (PEP).. but it still wasn't right, so they did another biopsy (http://www.kcl.ac.uk/depsta/medicine/dermatology/immuno.html) while I was in hospital, and found PG.
I took topical steroid creams until the rash had mostly subsided, and then was allowed home, but had to keep going back to the dermatologist.

Of course, they couldn't do much, because PG isn't very well known or researched - the patients are far too spread out to do a collective study. But, at 30 weeks I was offered oral steroids. To this day not even the doctors can determine whether the outcome would have been the same had I started on them.
But I regret that. I never regret anything... but I totally regret this. Even if the outcome would have been the same, at least he'd have had a chance, you know? I kept having flare ups, which faded, and then came back.. but the heartbeat was still going strong, and I really was looking forward to seeing my child.
At 34 +2 weeks I had the heart scan.. all was well.
At exactly 35 weeks on the 15th June I went into labour. And that was when everything changed for me. I'm not going into the labour, I guess that was pretty straightforward - although it hurt like hell, and I'm not so sure I want to do that again.
Learning that your own body rejected a child is far more painful I think.
The consultant I saw explained that while it is highly likely I'll get PG again, and another child might be on the small side (which doesn't matter so much since no child in our family has been over 7 pounds), there's only a 1-2% of another stillbirth.
In itself, that's good news - from what I read, that's the same statistic for all pregnancies. Plus, I'll be checked far more often, and I'll recognise the signs earlier so it can be dealt with.

The bad news. however... is that I'm scared. Completely scared of making some mistake. Because I know that it was my blood, and my immune system that caused this - I'm beginning to have irrational thoughts such as - what if it was that one drink I had, or what if I didn't do the cooking, or what if I did too much exercise.. etc.
What if I do the same things again in any subsequent pregnancy and have to deal with this all over. I know it's irrational, and I'm doing everything I can to keep my mind off those thoughts, but they're there.
I can't get pregnant again until I've finished with the course of steroids, so that'll not be until after Christmas I don't think..

But I know now that I really want a child. And it's not to replace Lewis, nothing can do that, but I'm ready to be a mother; I'm ready to give my love and my all to a child of my creation.
I've often wondered that this was meant to happen anyway - to make me see that I am a good mother, and I do have that nurturing instinct in me. It hurts to think that, but it eases some of the pain I've been feeling.

Another thing I was thinking of, was that my mother had a miscarriage between my brother and me, and so did her mother, and my mother's grandmother on her father's side had 6 stillbirths before having my grandfather. I wondered if the autoimmune disorder was hereditary, since my mother and her dad both have rhesus negative blood. There's a leading consultant called Martin Black from London who's written quite a few medical publications on this, and out of curiosity I thought about writing him a letter explaining this. Not that anything could really be done, but it might be something to look into at least.

Anyways.. I've got a lot to think about, but after I've healed enough. And I'm not just talking about my skin.. I'm also talking about my mind.
My friends have been fantastic. I only wish I had enough words to express my gratitude and love for them for being there when I needed them. It's been difficult for me to accept help, or to take things that are offered to me - I've always been the strong one, slogging through the pain I suffer on my own so I don't burden people. And this time I've had to be stripped of the pride I had, and realise that I'm not being strong, but locking myself away and hurting inside until it builds up.
I also found someone unexpected to share this with, and that helps a great deal, especially as it's the last thing people would think of. So I'm healing, slowly. Taking each day as it comes, and learning to accept 'bad' emotions as ones that I have to deal with instead of being cold and distant with everything. I think it's working.


Well.. there's the update. I'm getting there.

I love you, and thank you from the whole of my heart and soul.

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
ImmortalSairah goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Siren of the seas.
allycatt gives you 18 light green peach-flavoured pieces of taffy.
arigin tricks you! You lose 14 pieces of candy!
atomic_joe2 gives you 10 pink evil-flavoured pieces of bubblegum.
feonceseth gives you 2 light green spearmint-flavoured wafers.
jadechickadee gives you 2 blue apple-flavoured gummy worms.
jasinbashar tricks you! You lose 10 pieces of candy!
last_firstborn gives you 11 purple chocolate-flavoured gumdrops.
lowiness tricks you! You lose 14 pieces of candy!
naedyschannirra tricks you! You lose 3 pieces of candy!
shotokan_boy gives you 6 purple lemon-flavoured pieces of chewing gum.
ImmortalSairah ends up with 8 pieces of candy.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

"Finin a fag...
Over...word...
....Fag...You"

And there.. complete with arm swings and circles to indicate flyings, and flags and worlds.
The boy was classic. He's only just two, so I'm proud.

And we should have come last.. close enough though, I'm happy.

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Physical Touch

<th colspan="2">My Detailed Results:</th>

Physical Touch:	12
Quality Time:	8
Acts of Service:	6
Words of Affirmation:	4
Receiving Gifts:	0

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

I don't know.. I thought I preferred time to touch, but there you go.

I learnt something today - Dad came to visit, and did a lovely job of the garden... despite my telling him he didn't need to, he said that because I can't, he wants to help. He's a good man. But I digress.. I made lunch, and then dessert, but had half a portion of dessert myself.
I was eating it.. and all I could think of was the calories and fat going into my system.
I did exercise after it.

I think I'm worried that when I reach my weightloss goal... I'll carry on, because I'll not think I'm thin enough.
It could just be the fact that my mind is fragile.. I'm not sure.
But I'll be channelling my strength into healing that first before I think of any other health problems.

I'll be fine :P I always am.

Here's my self indulgent crap for today!


I was rather pleased. Especially as the guy who is kinda my RL Warder wished me a Happy Birthday.. must have been a bugger because I think I'd just logged off as he was logging on :(

But I got to my sister's to see him post his message.. That guy really does make me smile. I don't deserve him as a friend.... I really don't.

Anyway, I got an Athame!! Granted, it's only a small one, but it's an athame nonetheless. (I love my mum). Now I can use my altar properly.
I also got a pentagram. One of those hologram box ones, but on a keyring, so I can truly be attached to my beliefs.
It's awesome... and the £30 Boots voucher from Dad.. not to mention his offer to come and help clean my garden means he's the greatest father EVER!!

Had some lovely messages on Tar Valon - and offline too -
Sarah I love you loads *hugs*

Just because I can :p Thanks to Ilissa for me to steal.

And on to more pressing matters.
I've had some..stuff..to deal with, and it's been kinda hard to get over this. I'm hoping that it's all just here to test me, so I've been trying to pull myself together. It will happen.... a certain nice guy who always seems to be there just when I want him to makes me smile enough :)
I'm just sorry to dump stuff on him when he doesn't do the same to me. Even though he says it's okay, I still feel bad for it. But I can't thank him enough either way. And presents just aren't the same.
On the same note I wanted to thank Sarah - she's been good too - amazing, in fact.

Now, my weight loss. Or lack thereof. *pokes the scales* I want it to move down so I can feel happier and better about myself.
Bleh. Keep looking at my picture - I'll get much better than that. I've promised myself.

My crazy ramblings have arrived again.

Firstly, I'm pissed off that the work has dried up - again. Editing jobs seem to be non-existant (either that or I'm kinda crap at it), and the e-mail link to my site doesn't work, so nobody's looking at it.

Secondly, my kitten died last week. I wasn't going to post anything, but I figured that I can now since I plan to get another one to fill that little void he left behind. He's buried in my garden under a plum tree, so hopefully that should yield good fruit in his honour.
I also vowed that I wouldn't desert my new kitten when I get it.. I know it wasn't my fault that I got sick, but I still feel bad that I wasn't there.

Thirdly, my diet isn't going great. I've not gained anything, but I'm not even trying to exercise, so I'm not losing anything either.

Must get a grip - that's the first thing. Then, I'll get my ass into gear and start doing things instead of moaning about them. That helps.

Then I'll thank that friend of mine. I go to him and give him a load of shit, and he always helps. *e-hugs back to you*

Well, I'm now packed..apart from a few items that I'm using in the morning.

I'm sitting here baking all my stuff for the lovely Ari.. got the rest of the cake mixture for the other cake waiting so that I can see how this one turns out. As much as I love baking it's a bit stressful doing it when you've never used certain things before.

Well, time will tell, and there goes the buzzer. Updates to follow.

And I am so looking forward to this it's unbelievable!!!

I want to dance around or something. But the more I want to dance, the more nervous I get about it :look

But yeah.. I think the whole death thing is just getting to me now, and I feel kinda better about everything.
Despite wanting to stop functioning and just curl up, I'm learning to look forward to things, and to smile because I know that I'm still here. I know that there are far worse things that could be happening in my life.. and I know that I'm the one with the power to change.

So, back on with thinking that I can. Because it's true. I can.

Dad's cat died yesterday.

Now, I'm old. Okay, so I'm not old, but we got him when I was about 10... so that by default makes him almost 15.
He had partial paralysis of the spine, diabetes, kidney and liver failure, he has very few teeth due to an abcess on his throat a while ago, and he was heading towards blindess. But he managed to survive a whole year despite all these problems.
When you see something everyday, and suddenly they're not there anymore, I just feel so hollow. I feel like shit, yes, but not upset.

Dad buried him under one of the paving stones near a small tree...it's pretty cute I guess. And then he told me that last night at dusk, about 6 or 7 of the neighbouring cats came and just sat by the stone.. just staring.
I could imagine them, with their little flat caps and walking sticks "he war a gud bloke..eel be missed 'e will." It made me smile.

So I go down with my new kitten (he can't be left on his own for too long), and I even offer to give dad the kitten. He said no..and I come home with some of the cat's old stuff. I'm remembering the fun stuff, so it's not so bad.

Hehe... I do seem to have a lot of death following me around don't I? Make sure that you avoid me for the next few months just so I don't curse you with my bad vibes or whatever it is that's making these past six months or so so fucking depressing for me.

Everytime I pick myself up it's like something just doesn't want me to be happy. I know full well I'm being punished for something, and that I'm supposed to learn what it is..maybe my selfishness in a past life, I'm not sure.
I'm having a regression session in a couple of weeks to figure it out, hopefully that'll give me something. But until then I just want to avoid people just in case it rubs off.

And bleh.. So that's that. And I might be off for a day or so. Just because I can, and that I don't want to sound all depressive about stuff. When I'm back.. I'll be smiling like I usually am.


On a different note.. if you could be bothered to read this far and I haven't bored you :p It's Adam's birthday on Sunday, so I'm having a family party thing.. and baking chocolate cake! Heeehee..
And there'll be more of those for Slindon, so if you're calorie watching - tough shit :p

Basically.. I'll be back on Monday. xD

I'm kinda proud of it. It's not like I do it ALL the time - I hate my pictures, so in turn the camera hates me too.
But this one is a good shot, and I do look reasonably alright in it.. despite being told that it makes me look like I'm 15 (yes.. I think the guy who sai that might need glasses or something).

But, speaking of things that people say about it.. I got told that I shouldn't take those shots. Apparently it makes me look like a cheap slapper. Not whore, she wasn't that mean. But still cheap nonetheless.

I was waiting to feel upset and a bit pissed off, like I usually do when people insult me. Yes, I might sometimes be forward in knowing what I want, but it doesn't make me cheap, or a slapper. Anyway.. I digress. My point was, that rather than being upset about it, or even pissed off, I merely told her that it was my life. I said that I'm happy being what I am, and if I feel good about something that doesn't make me look like the michelin man on speed, then Light save me I will do it!
If they don't like it, then it's their own opinion, but it's mine that counts.
Yay for me, huh?


And it's going to be that attitude that I shall keep with me for a long time.. so yes! Fun at all times when I get to Slindon ;) Hehe.

I hate the fact that I'm trying to house train a kitten, and a son..who's also sick at the same time (stupid 24hr bug). Believe me, while I might be a clean freak a lot of the time.. my house doesn't look good :p

I put Adam to bed at 8.. as usual. But he just wouldn't go to sleep, and since I'm already having problems with neighbours of ours wrecking our garden (and I'm rather posessive about my rose bush that they've ruined)... I figured I'd better give in to his screams for a while.
So he's downstairs....annoying me. Grrr

And I just ate the most droolable chocolate cake..made by myself of course.. so not liking my calorie intake either... But dear Gods it was bloody nice!

Just about to watch Saw 3.. acquired :p Watched Blood and Chocolate yesterday too. That was pretty good. I might update on both films tomorrow.
Hope you people all have a very good night.

Stupid exercise plan *grumble*
It's just stopped working now. And after my nice big 2 dress-sizes loss.. I want more!!
I've tried increasing my exercise.. nothing. I tried eating less - but that just wasn't an option really.

I'm going to have a restful day tomorrow, and attempt to fool my body into thinking that my brain has given up on this ridiculous healthy eating project.
Then I'll start again the next day and hope that I feel better.

On a better note.. it's nearly Slindon. Clothes bought, train tickets sorted.. just got hair to get done now. The cake making and the alcohol buying will be done in the next two weeks, so I've got a while to get that sorted.
My god.. I sound like I'm preparing for a trip to the other side of the world!! But I really am excited about this, and I get peace from my son for a whole weekend!

Amongst other things :look

So, I went up to visit him today. It was so nice to be waited on for a day. Adam behaved so well, and I had fun - I love the fact that I get great meals cooked for me :P It's cool.
And he paid for my taxi home. I love the guy.

Wondering how you can have a great conversation about things you DON'T like.. Hehe. Well, I am. And it's good.

Moaning about things does clear your head of the crap - but only if you're still feeling good and smiling.
Yes,I'm still on with my project. And so far, I think it's working rather well :P

Just that one small message really makes me smile. And that's a good thing.

One month, and Slindon will be over :( But I'm so looking forward to it. I've bought my clothes - just need more undies now. But that'll come eventually.

Then I can bake my cakes. A chocolate one and.. well.. maybe another chocolate one :P Hehe. No need to do that for another few weeks.
Oh, and get my train booked and shit. All in good time.

Lol - I can just imagine myself packing my stuff ready tomorrow and just waiting!!

Tar Valon kept me up like way too late. Nothing much new really, but I guess I just like chatting to them all. Hearing them debate stuff is actually more interesting than I thought - even if it was religion. But it doesn't do for the fact that I had to get up early and didn't.

And there's a month to go till Slindon! Yay!!!

..well, of my brain at least :p

I'm still bored. I think I need to get out somewhere different, maybe that might help. That and the fact that I need to get organised for Adam's birthday.. and so far I've got two small toys.

*hits self* Town on Thursday.. will buy stuff :D

Or not. I want to fill this whole page with nothing but curses and foul gutter-language.

But I won't, because while that's all that's going on in my head, it'll stay there.
For me, this journal has become so much more of my own head than my brain can actually work out.

Basically though, I feel like shit. It'll change.. I hope.

I'm going to keep my userpic there for a while to remind myself that I can have fun.

I am so bored you wouldn't believe.. and my computer is being the laziest fuck in the world. Nothing much new there... as much as I wish there was :(
Just over a month till Slindon! Yay!
That hurt with excitement there... and yes.. it was sarcastic. Although I'm so looking forward to it, my blehhry day is just never ending.

Early night for me... ALONE :(